Oh, and your southern twang doesnt help the cause either

No ______, you don’t understand, when you say shit like ‘oh well I don’t know about that’ it pisses me off… why? Because I just fucking told you about that. You asked a question about the origins of the Friday the 13 superstition, and I told you. I told you a FACT about the origin of something. I’ve answered questions that you know absolutely nothing about, with cold hard facts… yes, colder and harder than my soul, and yet you STILL refuse to say you know anything about that. If I was going to lie about it, or pull something out of my ass, believe me, it would be way better.

Another infuriating thing is that little pet phrase of yours: ‘it is what it is’. How DARE you, I mean HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, trivialize some of the most traumatic aspects of my life with five monosyllabic and over used words that mean absolutely nothing and havent even the slightest tinge of sincerity behind them? Then on top of that you have the audacity to laugh. BEYOND that you try to change the subject with the question that you ask every 5 min. “if you were here right now, would you kiss me? Would you let me kiss you?” No. not with that fucking attitude and the obscene cockiness that you display every single time. Another thing, you bringing up the age difference, isn’t helping the cause either. You want a student? Schedule more lessons, I met you at the age difference. Saying that people like me can appreciate people like you is one of the most condescending things that you can come up with.

Lemme tell you something _____; I hesitate to do this since you are so fond of pouting, and quite frankly, it’s going to make you cry if I lose hold of the restraint that I actually pride myself on using with you: I don’t swoon over you. You want a groupie? Start messaging back all of those girls who were bitching on the fan boards about us talking. If that’s the kind of thing you want, then fine, I wont begrudge you of that and I couldn’t think much if any less of you right now, so go for it.

This double standard and ridiculous jealousy game you play, asking, and then TELLING me that I’m seeing somebody has gotten out of hand. We arent together, to my knowledge we never have been. I don’t throw my relationships in your face, yet you flaunt yours in mine. If you want me to be jealous, alright. I’ll throw a fit if it will stop these school yard mind games that you think youre pulling off.

No _____, I won’t like it when you bring me roses. No, I won’t kiss you for it. Most anybody else, I probably would because they would see it as a nice and thoughtful albeit frivolous gesture, however I have told you time and time again that I find roses to be cliché, and more over, I even went as far as to tell you why. That being said, where the fuck do you get off trying to ‘school’ me in pop culture? I can understand people not being terribly well versed or well read in the american lit genre, but to not even catch the reference from the zombies song, is wrong on SOOOOO many levels. Lemme clue you into something, it was on the soundtrack for The Big Chill. That film and its soundtrack paved the way for what the modern soundtrack is. Totally culturally relevant and actually more you ‘time’ than mine. I’m not talking obscure shit here either. This is something I’ve told you time and time again yet you still ‘know nothing about that’. Well then GOOGLE it for FUCK SAKE.

Yes, _____, perhaps one day there will be a man who could change my view on roses, or at least lighten my mood when roses are handed to me, but it still doesn’t take away the cliché factor. Well, in his (whomever it may be if there ever is the chance) it would take away the cliché factor. But this isn’t me being coy when I say “DO.NOT.BRING.ME.ROSES.GODDAMNIT.” that’s a no that means no.

Why do I even answer your calls? Why? Last night bragging about how you have two different kinds of ‘fame’ and weighing the two and then bitching about it is not a turn on. If I wanted to be honest and candid I would have told you a long time ago that you arent really a ‘first’ for me; in that sense. Not by a long shot. You are one of my options biggest fans. Do I rub this in your face? No. could I? of course. Should I? I’m actually starting to think I should.

There are always two sides to every conversation

But one is usually much better…


Emily, baby; I love you. You know that. I mean, how long have we known one another? What? Seven? Eight years???

No? alright, fine well then close to that anyway, and what’s even better yet is that I do not find you attractive at ALL. I mean, really; not in the least. I mean that in a good way…. Yeah, I know you know. I mean… no just listen, I know, and realize, that you are indeed a very attractive girl, well, woman, girl-woman; woman who looks like a girl still, but you get what I’m saying…. You’re just giving me shit now aren’t you?

Emily, baby, you balance me. Fire and earth. I’m a Sagittarius and you’re a Capricorn. I prime you and you keep me in check. You just balance me out and; about that whole ‘thing‘… Nonononoooo - I’m not judging - it’s just that I don’t want to see you be reborn as a cockroach or a maggot or anything vile in your next life… No, it’s not going to be the most fun you’ll never know you’ll ever have… Well because I just know; alright? ?? Fuck, Emily, can you just be a rational Capricorn for once in your life here…. OK, well if you insist on that type of cockeyed logic… oh Haha, I said ‘cock’…. Suppose that if it were better than a human, then why would that come so much way later? … Well yes, I suppose sinning is fun… You’re such a Goddamn Catholic… Alright, yeah, I guess you WOULD know about that better than I would….

But you’re such an old soul- wait, sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry…. I know, I know you fucking hate that. But honestly, I HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT YOU are ENLIGHTENED to quite an impressive degree…

Yes, I’m sure that a lot of guys have tried to get into your pants with that one….

Yes, I mean, no, I’m not surprised that it was a slurred speech either…

Well, I’m sure that you do have very pretty eyes too. I mean, I only say that when… Yeah, I get your point now… Y’know, now that you mention it all eyes are pretty…

Of course, unless they’re in a jar…

What the fuck Emily? … Wait… Did I actually just hear you s ay that? No, hold on… That’s actually very true. You’re right. I’d imagine that does effect their beauty, the location or distance from the actual face or eye socket. Jesus Christ Emily, how the fuck do you even think of shit like that? …

Speaking of which, I wanna do another show with you…. It’ll be better than the last one…. No, I promise I wont throw phones at you again…. Maybe a clip board or a script… You probably won’t have to smoke crack in it either…. I’m still deciding on a few scenes…. Is it that big of a deal? … Really? …

You’re silly… What about you going topless on stage this time around?… Please…Alright, we’ll just discuss this aspect later then… Well, because you might change your mind…. Emily baby, c’mon… You don’t know that… Fine… Well, alright then, what about for the photo shoot? … Still no? … C’mon, work with me here… No, I, I don’t want to see your tits, but somebody else might…

….


….


OK, alright…FINE…. What? The entire wardrobe? Mayyyyybeeee… I’ll consider it. Oh, and by the way, I love, love LOVE that Falco video - which reminds me, have you ever heard of ‘beheading the red dragon’?


Click.