Serious Inquiries Only Plz.

BEFORE YOU GO ON…


I need you to know a few things about me, about who and what I am. What I really am, not what I have to be or should be but rather things you either have to or should really know before this goes any further.

I really am a bitch when all is said and done, j screen a good deal of my calls, hell I even set up doctors appointments with my therapist just so I can cancel them. Some times its just to let him think that I am trying and that I am making progress with my life, becoming busier and what not but really the majority of the time I don’t actually know why I do it; I almost think it’s just to be a pain in the ass.

There are weeks where I’ll wear the same outfit, and never leave the couch. Watching bad t.v. and not taking off my make up but just applying more over the darkened smudges. There are occasions born of boredom or impishness where I go too far and look dead, I usually plan on drinking heavily that night and maybe double up on the sleep aides, only half forgetting that I will inevitably scare the shit out of my father in the morning. I do this when I have some biological alarm clock that tells me that I’ll need to go out on a vodka and cigarette run the next day. His forceful shaking and half assed yelling ‘’OH SHIT WAKE THE FUCK UP’’ usually jarrs me into a lucid state and shocks me enough to know that I wont fall back into a nap, it usually works out that im noticed early enough in the day for it to not be entirely wasted.

I don’t drink coffee in the morning, but rather all through the day. My morning beverage is club soda. From when I wake up until 2 or 3pm I go through at least a liter or two of club soda, then progress to almost a full pot of coffee which I make lethally strong and add a dash of nutmeg and if im feeling frisky some allspice. Now there’s a teaspoon of chocolate syrup in it, and I mildly resent the fact that its not sugar free. Two packets of the blue shit that give you cancer as well. I remember a wrestler telling me that they always chewed the gum that used sorbatol in it, because it acts as a laxative and appetite suppressant. I think he’s full of shit. I prefer my coffee iced but this goddamn coffee maker we have always leaves the coffee with some oily substance on the top, which I am militant of ridding completely, thus it’s not quite a full pot of coffee that I go through, it actually ends up being closer to a half a pot. This substance on the surface terrifies me and, no, I don’t care to hear any explanation what so ever as to what it is or any hidden oils in coffee. If you even think about beginning to explain one aspect of this you will immediately be silenced with a sharp and stern “fuck you”.

It will be much easier for the both of us if there is something that I’m consistently better at than you are. It’s even better if you don’t let me know what it is for quite a while. The sad fact of the matter is that the amount of ’betterness’ is more than likely going to be in direct proportion of how much you like this activity. I wish it wasn’t the way such things work out but sadly, it seems to be the pattern it has followed through the years.

I not so secretly think myself, and my friends to be exponentially better than the rest of the population, and will usually comment on this. And yes, I will always assume that my friends are better and much more entertaining and impressive than yours. This I will usually not vocalize and keep to myself for the most part. Now mind you, while yes, I wont hesitate on pointing out the flaws and extreme dullness or the most asinine snippets of conversations I overhear - I do envy those simple souls. I don’t think theyre as afraid of not making some undefined cut as I am. This sounds conceited. And It probably is. I don’t know why I feel the need to divulge this.

If there is something wet that isn’t intended to be I will become incredibly squeamish. Soggy things do not go well with my demeanor. This is why I rarely do the dishes, and have been known to eat off of a paper towel rather than have to hand wash a dish. Even if a piece of bread is left in sauce long enough for the crumbs to slightly separate and become more than slightly enlarged, it will need to be removed from my sight, I also do not clean up nor gaze upon any vomit other than my own, even then it’s a vicious cycle.