"well its not like im asking you to fucking faith heal me or anything like that, but if you would just shut up about your boyfriend and listen to one of my problems for once; some of which at the moment happen to be quite big, it would help a whole helluva lot… no, y'know what? I don't care who that was you were talking to. Youre on the phone with me right now for the first time in weeks…ya, I know youre busy and my worthless ass doesn't do shit, ever, that im a waste of time and space and whatever other noun you want to throw in there but this worthless waste is your friend, or at least needs one right now and every time I call youre engaged in some other asinine small talk conversation with the cat, yourself or your stoner neighbours; and frankly im calling bullshit on it for once"
That was how our conversation started out. Probably not the best move on my part but after easing Lucy through two 'monumental potential break-ups' a year in france following said boyfriend around while he took a year abroad, an abortion, the two weeks when she was sleeping with his best friend, playing along when she tried to fix me up with the very same friend, and countless times of explaining what had happened the night before, back when she was not in AA, I feel that I was owed at least this much. My problem in question may very well be trivial, im still too close to it to judge, but Lucy was entirely too removed from it and wrapped up in her own world to judge either. Our friendship was found on the basis of never judging. There was no room for either of us to under the circumstances of which we met.
I heard a sigh, and lips smacking and then after a long pause
"that wasn't necessary… fag"
"well, it kinda was"
"im there for you, ive ALWAYS been there for you. Im offended that you would even think that"
" Oh for fuck sake get off your soap box. Im offended that it even had to come to this"
"well, its not like you really show much intrest. When was the last time you submitted anything to Steves website? Huh? Oh that's right, its been FOR-EV-ER."
I could tell she was getting kind of pissed now. " are you drinking?"
I was actually surprised that it took her this long to ask. I expected her to play this card right off the bat
"Its 1:00 Lucy. I don't drink at 1:00. I never have. But right now Im starting to think that I could use one. Want to know why I havent sent anything in? cause Steve told me not to. Remember that little incident? When he told me that he no longer had any use for my self absorbed and trite not to mention repative rants that nobody fucking cares about? Yeah, I don't think my material fit with the rest of that pretentious crowds 'dear diary, I hope all the republican fucks in the world die a slow and horrible death' blogs." which was true. Even myself, who has dated more bad musicians, artists, writers, photographers and actors than I would even want to count and couldn't on all my fingers and toes had a hard time stomaching the content of that website. Once the majority of the contributors are sporting liberty spikes, that's my cue to leave
"well maybe if you would stop writing about eating disorders, addictions, and social theory people wouldn't get so bored of all of it."
"youre right. You know, I should go dressed up as Sharon Tate, bloody baby dangling by an umbilical cord and all, hanging our of my nightgown with a big sign that says 'abort myself' in front of a clinic and make a cute little photo blog about it. Would that get me back in to that non paying, not to mention NO exposure job? Think that would score me some points? Earn my young republican ass some street cred?"
OK Ill admit, this was probably uncalled for; bringing this situation back up. In all fairness when Steves ex, (another contributor) did this, she was not dressed up as 'Sharon Tate'. unless at one point in time Tate had liberty spikes and a permanent scowl. I don't remember that phase though. The whole thing had pissed me off as well, due to the fact it was mere weeks after Lucy had had an abortion and the photo blog seemed to be Steves pride and joy for months on end.
"it would at least be something NEW. It would at least get you out of the HOUSE for once."
I know what youre thinking. 'no she didn't' well, yes. She indeed did
My jaw dropped. Un-fucking-believable. It was my turn to pause. It wasn't for effect, it was to steady myself and find my pills. I was no longer sorry for my previous statement, which was just about to be followed by an apology. Not any more. Not a chance. I hung up. And for the very first time in my co-dependant life, I had no intent of blaming it on my phone or the service connection.
Flash Forward three months
"hey, are you busy?"
It was lucy for the first time in ages. After countless attempts of calling her to inform her of news that pained me to no end to be the bearer of she finally does call, and she would call three days too late too.
"where the hell have you been? Ive been trying to get you non-stop for a week now. it was kind of important"
"well that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about. Um are you busy?"
"youre going to have to speak up, I cant hear a thing youre saying" christ, if shes calling from a movie I will FUCKING lose it.
"well, give me a minute. This isn't easy."
"Jesus luce, are you ok?"
"well im just calling to say that right now I don't think that it's the best idea if we stay friends right now. Just let me finish. I know you don't ask me to, you never have but I feel like I need to solve all of your problemes and im tired of it."
"what problems do you even know about?"
"I said to let me finish… you don't make this easy. You don't contribute anything to anybody anymore and youre just too unproductive. every time we talk I just cant wait to get off of the phone with you. You know that I love you sooo much…"
"that's a really shitty thing to say"
"I do love you"
"but youre saying that in your opinion that now is when I need a friend more than ever, a position you yourself were in not all too long ago, when I didn't really feel like sitting through months and months of your problems, a few of which really hurt me to hear, biting my tongue, holding back my very real problems to coax you through yours, that now, that youre in a good place you don't want to put up with the shit that's happening in my world? I mean, that's essentially what youre saying isn't it?"
"look, I just don't think its very healthy for either one of us to really be talking to each other right now. I mean, since ive moved Ive been through a lot of changes. ive changed a lot from the last time I saw you"
there is no FUCKING way shes talking to me about changes right now. No fucking way at all.
"well, I respect your decision. I cant say that I agree with the entire statement, but ill abide by it. But you're right on one thing. You have changed. a lot. Well, im glad that you found a place in your life where you're happy and im glad that I was able to help get you there. So, I wont keep you any longer, im sure you have some productive things to contribute to the rest of the world and I know that you''re just dying to get off the phone with me so ill let you go. Take care of yourself."
"what were you going to tell me?"
"Blake is dead. i just got back from the funeral; i wanted to tell you what happened before you heard about it on the news"
"i heard, he should have-"
"dont you dare"
and i hung up.
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